Same same but different

Sometimes, a moment in life, a remark or a look can open your eyes. I had such a moment, this week, triggered by a friend‘s comment.

 

But let me start from the beginning: For my 50th birthday, I set up a list of 50 things I wanted to do to celebrate what was possibly the half term of my life: Big ones, small ones, challenges, things I was curious about or things that I thought would make me happy. One of those was stand up paddling - which definitely counted as a challenge. While I go hiking and biing a lot, I do carry size 16-18, and balance is definitely not one of my key strengths. At school, I was bullied for nine years, and eating was always a safe haven - unlike PE class with „fun games“ like dodge ball, where the bullying got physical. So, I have always been more or less overweight.

 

Anyway, my friends Christine and Katharina gave me a stand up paddling training lesson for my birthday, and after due instruction, we set off on Lake Zurich. My friends both got on their feet easily, stood on the board as if they were on solid ground, and paddled around, after a few minutes. But I struggled. It took all my concentration to get up on my feet, and even more to keep the balance. But as soon as I tried using the paddle, I lost balance and splashed into the lake. Getting back up on the board was hard, and standing up, again, even harder. I trembled, and and a little wave threw me back in. This time, I also lost my glasses, and as they sank to the bottom of the lake, it was obvious to see that this was not my thing. I had to give up, because I simply felt unsafe seeing hardly anything. As I swam back to the shore, I felt terrible for having ruined the evening for my friends.

 

But Christine‘s reaction really threw me off track. „I so admire you! I looked at you, and you were so concentrated, and I could see how difficult it was for you. But you tried. And when you fell, you tried again. I absolutely admire that.“

 

I was stunned. She did not see my weakness and failure, she saw my challenge and perseverance. And she did not compare me to herself but applied a standard that took into consideration my situation.

 

Of course, I would have said and done exactly the same for my friends. But applying such leniency to myself was new to me. I had always been held and been holding myself to an objective standard with no mercy, be it based on age, weight or anything else that could or should have justified a more benign assessment.

 

I remember that, when I was a child of maybe four or five years, my parents bought a ping pong table. My father showed me how to play, but, of course, I hardly hit the ball, and if I did, I shot it wherever. My father refused to play with me, as it was no fun for him. I was so sad that I ran away from home - which was futile, though, as I was not yet old enough to be allowed to cross the street by myself, so that I stayed on our block. When I came back home after what felt like an eternity, no one had even noticed. When I could not climb up the rope in PE class, the rest of the class rejoiced. Some of my friends refuse to go hiking with me, because I am not as fast as they are. My former fiancé had a racing bike and enjoyed nothing more than being faster than me on my normal town bike. To me, all of this was normal, and it was my own fault for not being better, stronger, smarter, faster.

 

The realization blew me away. I had never even considered that maybe I should be measured against an individual standard. That it was actually unfair to be measured by an unachievable goal. And that what would have been a failure for others could be success for me.

 

Maybe, the concept also seemed strange because I am German, and the German language uses the same word for „equal“ and „the same“, implying that they actually stand for the same concept. But while equality oftentimes requires that everyone is treated the same, it can actually also necessitate a differentiation.

 

The concept is not unheard of: Golfers play against their individual handicap. In the Swiss national sport „Schwingen“, a kind of wrestling, the loser gets a better score if he puts up a good fight. And when I go hiking with real friends, they not only adapt to my pace without comment - some of them even carry my water. After all, I carry 30kg more than they do, with every step I take.

 

Christianity comands that we carry each other‘s burden. We should start by seeing that the same burden weighs differently on us.

 

Oh, and I did my glasses back. We called the water police, and they sent a diver with a strong flashlight to find them. It took him ten minutes to get clarity.